As with any technique, you can’t just read about it to “get it” and have it work for you—you’ve got to practice it. Before you read on, please make a firm decision that you do practice...
Understand this: Stress is the result of our mental processes, not outside influences. The key, therefore, to eliminating stress in your life is to eliminate stress-producing thoughts.
The traditional view of stress was and accepted as the result of outside demands that overwhelm an individual’s ability to cope with those demands. Life circumstances come in ways that we are not equipped or resourced to deal with. In other words, we can’t handle what is “happening to YOU (us).”
You experience stress when life pushes you beyond your ability to adapt. That is why the most stressful circumstances are those that involve great change, such as losing a job, moving, death, and divorce. We experience stress because we lack the ability to quickly adapt to or handle these changes.
To those four “stressful” events we can add the generalized experience that “I just have too much to do and not enough time to do it” which seems to be more and more prevalent for many people. The explosion of the “information age” has bombarded us with “information overload” on top of increasing pressures to do more and more in less and less time. The solution, then, is to adapt better, manage things better, schedule better, prioritize better, reduce the demands upon you, and so on. This is where the term “stress management” comes from.
Note:
[Stress doesn’t come from what’s going on in your life—it comes from your thoughts about what’s going on in your life. Your job isn’t stressful—your thoughts about your job are stressful. Your relationship doesn’t stress you out—your thoughts about your relationship stress you out. All stress is an inside job, a result of subconscious assumptions. . . Things happen (divorce, layoffs, disease, etc.), and you experience stress—or you don’t—depending on what you think about those things. Stress is a function of beliefs, not circumstances]
This accounts for the fact that different people have dramatically different responses to the same life circumstances. For example, one person is laid off and sees it as a rejection of their worth and imagines impending poverty, while another sees it as a great opportunity to explore a new and more fulfilling direction. One person becomes ill and is consumed by a fear of everything falling apart, while another sees it as an important opportunity to slow down, take better care of their health, and re-evaluate what is most important in their life. One person sees their divorce as a huge drama full of pain and expense, while another may see it as a time to relate to their ex-spouse in a healthier way and learn how to have healthier relationships in the future. One person may view having too much to do as an overwhelming burden, while another may view having so much to do as the fruit of a vibrant and successful life. One person may view the death of a loved one as the end of love and happiness, while another may look back with fondness on the good times together and pray for their spouse’s joyful transition to the next phase of their journey. Your experience of any circumstance greatly depends on your beliefs.
“The key to eliminating stress¸and not just managing or escaping it, is to create a fundamental and lasting shift in the way you actually think.”
“Unhappiness arises internally, through the subconscious mind. And it is dissolved through insight.”
Insight? Insight is the realization that what you believed to be true is not in fact true. This realization allows the emergence of a more healthy or empowering perception. Insight cuts through “false beliefs” and eliminates their power over your perception.
“Every time that you experience stress, you’re thinking counterfactually. In fact, it’s not possible to experience stress without thinking counterfactually”.
By thinking counterfactually, we are thinking things “should” or “shouldn’t” be the way that they “are.”
There are also actually two types of counterfactual thinking. One creates inspiration, the other creates stress. One is expansive and the other is contractive. You have an expansive counterfactual thought when you experience “this” right now while envisioning “that” good thing in the future. For example, you think of the successful completion of a big project that you are working on, a vacation you’re planning, or someone special that you are looking forward to being with. You are envisioning some wonderful experience in the future, preparing for it, and being excited and expanded by that possibility.
The second type of counterfactual thinking is contractive. These are the counterfactual thoughts that create stress. For example, you step on the scale and see what you weigh and you tell yourself that you “should” weigh less. Your spouse or significant other doesn’t respond the way you think they “should” and you get mad. Your boss gives you a pile of work to do and you think that you “shouldn’t” be expected to get it done in the given time. You fail to achieve a goal that you think you “should” have achieved and become self-critical. You get upset because there “shouldn’t” be so much traffic. You get the idea.
Contractive counterfactual thoughts are judgments you place on “the way things are” by saying that they “should” be otherwise or they “shouldn’t” be the way they are. This type of thinking creates stress.
The way to counteract contractive thinking is to change your beliefs.
“The opposite of stress is education, releasing the contractions by having insights. What you need to do is not avoid your “shoulds,” but dismantle them”
Prove to yourself that the opposite of what you believed is true. You do this by identifying the conditions that are causing things to be as they are. When you see the cause and effect, you realize that “In reality, life really should be the way that it is, at this time.” There are good reasons why life is the way that it is. When you understand the causes, you gain insight, and that insight creates a permanent shift in perception that eliminates the stress caused by your former belief.
When you dismantle your “shoulds” you are more open to reality “as it is” or at least to healthier, more helpful beliefs about it. You can then take more effective action on the specific causes that can create positive outcomes in your life. This empowers you to think more clearly rather than being overwhelmed by the negative emotions and energy drain that came with your contractive beliefs.
First, I substitute the word “perception” for “thought.” Perception is a more holistic concept that includes your body, heart, mind, and energy/spirit. Perception includes your entire interpretive lens. It involves your physical state, your emotional state, your mindset, and your spiritual intention at any given moment. You bring all this to bear on every experience that you have. Your thoughts are an important part of this irreducible whole.
It important to work at all levels when addressing stress. It’s just as important to work from and through your body, your heart, your mind, and your energy/spirit. We can work with physical sensations, emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and intentions. These form integrated neural, chemical, and energetic networks. Each aspect is an irreducible and interwoven part of the whole.
All beliefs are interpretive. All beliefs are contextual, they all come from a certain perspective and a specific point of view. Some may be healthier, more expansive, more empowering, and more effective toward your goals, but to say a belief is “true” is a slippery slope. This can easily lead to internal and external conflict and more stress over who has the “right” or the “true” view and who doesn’t.
Anyway, that’s my point of view, so I’ll use the words “healthier” or “more effective” rather than “true” or “real.” Bernstein himself calls some counterfactual thinking “expansive” and some “contractive” and I’ll keep to that way of framing things. Yet, even these are relative terms. Sometimes it’s healthy to contract and consolidate experiences, while, at other times, it’s important to expand and stretch your boundaries. The key is to become aware of where you are coming from at the moment, so you can make choices that are as informed and conscious as possible.
My suggestion for you this week is to pause and take a break whenever you feel stress rising. See if you can identify a belief that you are holding at that moment that is creating your stress
Take a break to identify your beliefs when you feel stress..all the best!
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